In meeting many new people through my work each and every day, I am always captivated at why we are the way we are. Upon reading the following words with full credit to the Author, perhaps you too can gain insight into our distinct and curious ways that we can carry into our adult lives from our childhoods.
Story by Joy Fadogba
Our childhood experiences shape much of our adult behavior, but trauma can create particularly deep patterns that persist long after we’ve grown up. Many behaviors we consider personality traits or habits actually stem from early survival mechanisms developed during difficult childhood experiences. Recognizing these connections often proves crucial for personal growth and healing.
Adults who experienced unpredictable or conditional love in childhood often develop intense needs to please others and avoid conflict. The constant effort to keep everyone happy stems from early experiences where safety or affection depended on managing others’ emotions.
This pattern typically manifests in difficulty saying no, overcommitting to others’ needs, and neglecting personal boundaries. The exhausting cycle of prioritizing others’ happiness above personal well-being often leads to burnout and resentment.
Growing up in environments where danger or criticism could arise at any moment often creates a persistent state of high alert that continues into adulthood. These individuals constantly scan their environment for potential threats or changes, making relaxation difficult.
The perpetual state of readiness affects sleep patterns, relationships, and overall stress levels. Many find themselves noticing subtle mood shifts in others or reacting strongly to unexpected changes in their environment.
Early betrayals or inconsistent care often create deep-seated trust issues that affect adult relationships. These individuals struggle to believe in others’ reliability or genuine care, even when shown consistent evidence of trustworthiness.
The fear of abandonment or betrayal can lead to either avoiding close relationships entirely or testing relationships through unconscious sabotage. This pattern affects both personal and professional relationships, making it difficult to maintain long-term connections.
Childhood environments where safety depended on being “perfect” often create adults who struggle with intense perfectionism and the need for control.
These individuals often believe that maintaining perfect standards will protect them from criticism or harm. Every mistake feels catastrophic, leading to anxiety and self-criticism that affects work performance and personal relationships. The exhausting effort to control every aspect of life stems from early experiences where chaos or unpredictability led to trauma.
Adults who learned early that their needs wouldn’t be met often struggle to voice or even recognize their own needs. Growing up in environments where needs were ignored or punished creates deep patterns of self-denial. Many find themselves unable to ask for help or support, even in appropriate situations. This pattern leads to self-neglect and resentment in relationships where needs go unexpressed and unmet.
Trauma often teaches children to suppress emotions as a survival mechanism, leading to adults who struggle with emotional connection. These individuals might appear calm in crisis but find themselves disconnected from their feelings in daily life. The inability to fully experience or express emotions affects intimate relationships and personal growth. Many describe feeling like observers in their own lives, watching events unfold without emotional engagement.
Early experiences of criticism or invalidation often create persistent patterns of self-doubt that follow into adulthood. These individuals constantly question their judgments and abilities, even in areas where they demonstrate clear competence. The inner critic becomes a constant companion, undermining confidence and decision-making abilities.
Many successful adults still battle impostor syndrome, unable to internalize their achievements. Children who experienced boundary violations often struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries as adults. The concept of personal limits feels foreign or selfish to those who have never learned to protect their own space.
Many oscillate between having no boundaries and creating rigid walls in relationships. This pattern affects all relationships, from professional to intimate, creating cycles of overwhelm and withdrawal. Early attachment disruptions create specific patterns in adult relationships, affecting how individuals connect with others. Some become anxiously attached, constantly seeking reassurance, while others maintain emotional distance as protection.
These patterns influence partner selection and relationship dynamics, often recreating familiar but unhealthy patterns. Understanding attachment styles helps explain recurring relationship challenges.
Children who learned that love or safety depended on achievement often become adults driven by constant performance pressure. Success never feels secure, leading to endless striving for the next accomplishment. The inability to feel satisfied with achievements creates exhausting cycles of work and stress. Many high achievers recognize their drive stems from early experiences where love felt conditional on performance.
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These words may also ring true for you and may help to explain some of your own behaviours. They struck a chord in me and compelled me to reprint these important and resonating words. Thank you to Joy Fadogba
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